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Since people aren't reading this on the page this is linked from, I'll add again here, I didn't write this, please do not email me for permission to perform it, no I don't know who created it, please do not email me every day for a week demanding that I tell you who wrote it -- I don't know!

New news! I just got the following in email, although I haven't had a chance to confirm it:

Date: Sat, 20 Feb 1999 18:50:13 -0600
From: "Kenneth J. Carlson" 
Reply-To: kcarlson@mtcnet.net
X-Mailer: Mozilla 3.01C-MTCKit  (Win95; U)
To: binde@cs.swarthmore.edu
Subject: Frontier Mortician

Believe it or not, the author of the skit is a semi-retired pastor by
the name of Warren W. Wiersbe of Lincoln, Nebraska. He wrote it decades
ago while a youth worker with Youth For Christ. It tells about it in his
autobiography, "Be Myself." He's written about 100 books and been on
radio for years.

Trigger Mortis, Frontier Mortician

A radio drama in one unforgivable act

Announcer:
The makers of Fatrical present... (music) "Frontier Mortician"... Are you skinny and run down? Are you so thin you have to wear skies in the bathtub to keep from going down the drain? When you turn sideways and stick out your tongue, do you look like a zipper? When you drink Cherry Coke, do you look like a thermometer?

Then you need FATRICAL, the drink that adds weight to you. Fatrical is not a capsule, it is not a solid, it is not a liquid -- it's a gas that you inhale. Fatrical comes in one delicious gas flavor: mustard.

It costs only $4.95 a case, and the equipment for inhaling it costs only $5,678. This includes a 30,000 cubic foot tank, 300 feet of hose, three pumps, two filter tips, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Now for our story... "Trigger Mortis, Frontier Mortician." the scene opens in the residence of Sam Alamode, wealthy rancher and owner of the Bar B Q Ranch in Spare Rib, Texas. Sam is dying. He is talking to his lovely daughter Piney Alamode, whom he lovingly calls Pie . . .

Sam:
Pie, honey, I'm dying again. Go call Trigger Mortis, the frontier mortician. He has the slogan, "Have hearse, will travel."
Pie:
What's wrong with you, Daddy? What's your ailment?
Sam:
I swallowed the thermometer and I'm dying by degrees.
Pie:
Oh. I'll call Trigger Mortis right now.
Announcer:
Unknown to Sam Alamode, his head foreman, Joe Silver, is hiding outside listening to the conversation. He's a full-blooded Indian, and Sam always called him his faithful companion Silver. Sam doesn't hear Joe speak.
Joe:
Let old Sam die. I wish he would. Then I can get the ranch and be set for life. He's always got some crazy disease. Last week he swallowed a dynamite cap and his hair came out in bangs. Before that he swallowed a hydrogen bomb and go atomic ache. He's suffering from flower disease: he's a blooming idiot.

Hey . . . here comes Pie Alamode's stupid boyfriend Arnie. Poor kid -- he's an orphan. Little orphan Arnie. I'll just sneak away...

Arnie:
I haven't seen my girlfriend Pie Alamode for two weeks. Boy, she has lovely eyes...one is brown and the other two blue. Last time she rolled her eyes at me, I rolled them back. I remember the first time she kissed me...it made chills go up and down my spine...then I found out her popsicle was dripping. I'll knock at the door. [knock, knock]
Pie:
Who is it?
Arnie:
It's me, honey...and I call you honey because you have hives.
Pie:
Oh, my cookie...and I call you cookie because you are so crummy.
Announcer:
We interrupt this love scene to bring you a message from Peter Pan Make-up. Use Peter Pan before your pan peters out. This is the makeup used by the stars: Lassie, Bullet, and the Untouchables.

Listen to this letter from Mrs. Mergatroid Flugelhorn from Liverlip, Mississippi: "My face was so wrinkled I had to screw my hat on. Then I used Peter Pan Make-up and I don't look like an old woman anymore...I look more like an old man. I had my wrinkles tightened up, and now every time I raise my eyebrows, I pull up my socks. I give all the credit to Peter Pan."

You can be beautiful, too. Now back to Frontier Mortician. Trigger Mortis, the frontier mortician, is answering his phone...

Trigger:
Oh, it's you, Miss Pie Alamode. You want me to see your father? Well, my hears has been giving me trouble. I think I blew a casket. I've got to quit using embalming fluid in the gas tank, because the motor keeps dying.

Yes, yes. ...well, I have to finish my breakfast: shrouded wheat and ghost toasties....well, I'll hurry right out. Goodbye, I must be shoveling off...

Announcer:
Pie Alamode hangs up and goes to meet her lover, little orphan Arnie, in their favorite meeting place, the family graveyard.
Pie:
It's so romantic here in the graveyard. There's the grave of my Uncle Ernest. Look, there's two worms making love in dead Earnest!
Arnie:
Darling, may I have your hand in marriage?
Pie:
My hand...oh yes...In fact, you can have my arm, too.
Arnie:
Here, I'll put this ring on your finger.
Pie:
Arnie, your face is turning red.
Arnie:
Yeah, and your finger is turning green. After all, we've been going together for 12 years now.
Pie:
So what do you want, a pension? Let's go tell my father.
Announcer:
This program is brought to you by the Double Insanity Insurance Company. Mother, do you have children? Then protect them with a double deal policy.

We pay $1000 if your son is kiled by a herd of while elephants going east on Thursday. If you lose an arm, we help you find it. If you get hit in the head, we pay you in oone lump sum.

We have a double indemnity clause, too. If you die in an accident, we bury you twice. Now, a report for the National Safety Council. It is predicted that 356 people will die in accidents this weekend. So far only 135 have been reported. Some of you aren't trying!

Now back to our story. Joe Silver is plotting to kidnap Pie Alamode and hold her for ransom. He thinks Sam Alamode is dying, but he really isn't. Trigger Mortis, the frontier mortician, is on his way to the ranch.

Trigger:
Well, here I am. When you are at death's door, I will pull you through.
Sam:
Good to see you, Trigger. Can you give me a good funeral?
Trigger:
I'll give you a good funeral or your mummy back. Could I interest you in our new lay-away plan?
Sam:
I'm a sick man, a sick man. The doctor told me to drink some medicine after a hot bath. I can hardly finish drinking the bath...
Trigger:
What you need is some of my Whistler's Mother medicine -- one dose and you are off your rocker.
Sam:
Trigger, can I trust you?
Trigger:
Of corpse, of corpse. Have I ever let you down?
Sam:
I don't trust my faithful Indian companion, Silver. He has a sneaky look.
Trigger:
I happen to know, Sam, that Joe Silver wants to kidnap your daughter and keep her from marrying little orphan Arnie.
Sam:
Trigger, we gotta do something. Think of a plan.
Announcer:
Will Trigger Mortis think of a plan? While he thinks, a word from honest John Pendergast, the used car dealer. Honest John has bargains in used cars that you can't afford to miss.

Here's an 1887 Essex -- this is a revolutionary car. Washington drove it at Valley Forge. The tires are so beat that you not only knock the pedestrians down, you whip them to death. This car has low lines...in fact, it's so low it doesn't have doors, it has manhole covers.

This program is also brought to you by Glum, the toothpaste that gives your bad breath the Good Housekeeping seal of approval. Are your teeth like the Ten Commandments -- all broken? Then use Glum. Glum contains eucalyptus oil, flown in from Australia. This eucalyptus oil is the secret of Glum -- millions of users are saying, "Man, you clipped us." Be true to your teeth and they will never be false to you.

Now, back to Frontier Mortician. Sam, Pie, Arnie, and Trigger Mortis are trying to figure out how to get rid of Joe Silver...

Sam:
I have a splitting headache.
Trigger:
Have your eyes been checked?
Sam:
No, they've always been blue. Trigger, why don't we put Joe in one of your coffins and ship him out of state?
Trigger:
A tisket, a tasket, I'll put him in a casket. I was in love once, so I know what Arnie and Pie are going through.
Pie:
You were in love?
Trigger:
Yes, I was suck on a girl who worked in the glue factory. She had a schoolgirl complexion -- with diplomas under her eyes. Her lips were like petals -- bicycle pedals. Those lips...those teeth...that hair...that eye...
Arnie:
Hey, here comes Joe Silver. Get your coffin ready, Trigger.
Pie:
Daddy, lie on the bed and act like you're dead.
Announcer:
Sam lies on the bed and holds his breath. Trigger takes off his shoes and everybody holds their breath. At this breathless moment, we bring you the daily police calls.

Calling car 15...calling car 15. Happy birthday Car 15. You are now Car 16.

Car 56, Car 56, rush to the Bungling Brothers Circus. The fat woman has hay fever and is crying so much three midgets are about to drown.

Car 23, Car 23, return the 10 gallon hat you bought for the mayoer -- he has an 11 gallon head.

Car 19, to the corner of 6th and Main. The Chinese cook has just committed chop sueyside.

Now, back to the story. Joe Silver enters Sam's beadroom as the other people hide.

Joe:
So, I finally caught you, you scoundrel. You've cut my check so many times that I have to endorse it with mercurochrome. I want to marry your daughter, Sam, and nobody is going to stop me.

Sure I'm tough. I've been sent up the river so many times that I get fanmail from the salmon. The last time they caught me I got ten years in jail and two in the electric chair. Even when I was a baby, people were pinning things on me. Now, I'm gonna get you.

Sam:
Get him, Arnie.
Trigger:
Quick, I have the casket open. Push him in, Arnie.
Joe:
Help, help, you're pushing me [muffled sounds].
Trigger:
That takes care of him. Sorry, but I have to run for a body. A fellow in town swallowed a quart of shellac and died -- he had a lovely finish.
Arnie:
How can we thank you? You'll come to the wedding, won't you?
Trigger
Yes, I plan to give you a tombstone for a present, but don't take it for granite.
Sam:
Thanks, Trig. By the way, stop over and we'll play golf some day.
Trigger:
Don't ever play golf win an undertaker. He's always on top at the last hole. [they leave]
Arnie:
Now we're alone, Pie my love. Someday you'll have my name.
Pie:
I never did find out -- what is your last name, Arnie?
Pie:
What a lovely name I'll have -- Mrs. Pie R. Square...
Announcer:
And as the sun sinks slowly in the west, we leave the lovers as they plan their future. Tune in tomorrow for a new adventure, brought to you by Bleeties, the cereal for old goats.

Bleeties contains 56% iron, 22% copper, 78% steel, 14% bronze, and 11% zinc. It doesn't snap, crackle, or pop -- it just lies there and rusts. Bleeties isn't the breakfast of champions -- it's for people who just want to get into the semi-finals.

In closing, be sure to visit your local dime store where they're having a monster sale.

Now, tune in tomorrow for the first episode of the new story, "I was a Teen Age Spinster" brought to you by the gardener's magazine, Weeder's Digest.

  Melissa D. Binde [ ]